The undisputed masters of PR: These guys...

I'm used to being played for a chump by the media. I've used Lynx deodorant (also ran under the Unilever brand as "Axe" in other parts of the world") ever since I've been old enough to be conscious of how my body smells. Very quickly I learned the harsh lesson that their adverts, while often amusing, are built on a bed of lies. Women do not, intoxicated by my aroma, line up to dry hump my leg as I take my wheelie bin out to the kerb. They never have and much as it pains me to think it - They probably never will.

Lynx are an ambitious company though, something I have to respect them for. Not satisfied it seems, with feeding us woefully inaccurate expectations of their product, they take it several steps further by selling us something we couldn't possibly want unless they told us otherwise. By my count there are two strikes against them in this department. They take the form of Fragrance 3 and the Lynx Bullet. What better time than now then, for a short commercial break.

Wow! I think I may actually have becomed more stupider in the short time it took that video to play. Let's review shall we? Lynx 3 is actually a product sold through virtue of a twin pack of deodorant canisters. The first contains one fragrance while the second, another different fragrance. To quote the ad itself now if I may:

"Mix fragrances 1 and 2 and create new lynx 3"

How's about 'no' Lynx. Just 'no'. You want me to combine two different scents to make, what is in fact, the fragrance you are selling me in the first place. That's your job! You're supposed to do that before it goes in the fucking can! I can't believe I'm actually being charged more money for a toiletry that involves more effort on my part than a lower priced counterpart. I have a product pitch of my own Unilever; It's called 'World of Pain' and is brought about by simply combining my foot and your scrotal sack! Lynx 3, named for the mental age of it's target demographic.

The latest innovation (read as 'cock-slap to the face of the consumer') from Lynx takes form of the Lynx bullet. No video this time,(although, there is one if you're interested) just a picture taken by me in my local Supermarket. By pure chance I was also able to photograph my contemptuous soliloquy as I held the item up for inspection.

Another long time offender of shitty advertising, are the various purveyors of that feminine hygiene favourite, the sanitary towel. We've put some distance between us and the days of 'Woooooooooooowwwwwww Bodyform' and the sky diving, but not much. The idea that Bodyform, Always and their cohorts can't seem to shake is that women want more than to just be informed about the product. They're convinced they need a cold, side order of soap opera to go with it. It's not enough to tell you that you'll be keeping your pants dry, clean and relatively scab free! There has to follow an inane, micro-tale of a young woman so charged by her new-found confidence, she feels compelled to strap on her rollerskates and walk five dogs at the same time. Naturally she then goes on to catch the eye of some ruggedly handsome construction worker/waiter/ random passer-by with a face and body carved from solid mahogany. (Rather ironically, at the time of the month when she feels least like being intimate with anyone!)

It's shit like that which makes me want to find and tongue the balls of the guy who invented Sky Plus as it's thanks to them that my advert intake is kept to a bare minimum.(Yes, I know what you're thinking: 'What if it's a woman who invented Sky Plus?' Right? In that case it would be her balls that I tongue. Happy?) What stops them from mixing things up a little after all these years? Just give your target audience the information it needs in a way that's creative and factual. Since I'm such an idea machine, here are a few ideas that they can use for free:

• Rebranding - Try a quirky name that's memorable and descriptive. My suggestion? Muff Mallows.

• Lighten up - Have some giant singing tampons sing about how awesome and effective they are. Building on the success of the 118 ads why not take an existing, familiar melody and change the words, i.e: Take the Addams Family theme, replace the word kooky with coochie and you're half way there.

• Memorable catchphrase - I'm quite partial to 'put your crotch on cruise control'. Use that and I'd be hard pushed not to buy some myself!

It's something I fall into rather easily, filling up with malign for the companies we've discussed so far. Recently I had the misfortune of discovering handheld accessory manufacturer, Krusell. In need of a case to protect my new phone, (which is something in the region of 95% fragile, highly scratchable screen) My travels, as they often do, took me to the realm of Ebay. With a sparse selection I found myself limited between two extremes; One case that was more costly and opulent than I required and another cheaper alternative that looked as if it would probably fall to pieces in the post. After some deliberation, I eventually plumped for the more expensive option. My thought process being that it would be less trouble than buying something I half expected to send back on it's arrival.

What arrived several days later far exceeded my expectations and was promptly put to use. The small plastic binder it had arrived in, was treated in the respectful manner of superfluous cardboard and blister packaging the world over. As such it was several days later before I came across it again, buried under a mountain of crap by my computer desk. As is the requisite ritual for whenever I can no longer find a clear space to put down my mouse, I began to sort the teetering pile into two groups; Useless crap for the bin, and useless crap that I wanted to keep. While in the process of trying to establish which pile the aforementioned binder was headed for, something caught my eye beyond the deliriously happy (almost to the point of lobotomization) male model on it's front. That something, was a sizable body of text.

Lynx purporting their whiffy wares as an industrial strength aphrodisiac is a little white fib in comparison to this shit! At least all the Inca ad did was tell me I'd get my end away, these shite-merchants want me to believe that thanks to a few grams of leather, my entire life is never going to be the same again!. Aside from the light-hearted quip about a new found lack of vibrating pants, this patch of blurb is the very definition of over-promising and under-delivering. Let's look at some of the highlights from Krusell's above mission statement come verbal masturbation; 'Revolutionise the way I talk - and walk',(damn, why didn't I see this before agreeing to that hip replacement?) 'full access to information any time', 'upgrade my status' and 'consolidate my outer image'? I can't believe I'm going to gain all this just from freeing up one whole pocket. They haven't even mentioned the extra wads of spare change I'll be able to carry around. 'Get carried away', is the sentiment the ridiculous shpeel ends. Coincidentally that's what happened to the guy who wrote this, shortly after he'd finished. He got 'carried away'. By men in white coats. It's a fucking phone case you chumps! Not the second coming of Christ and certainly not the solution to all life's problems. People burned The Beatles' records for less than this level of self glorification.

I hope this will serve to convince you, without a shadow of a doubt, that Krusell are the undisputed masters of PR spin. It's for this very reason that I have decided to send them a commemorative plaque to mark the occasion. Unless of course I forget, or I never get round to it in which case the glory of seeing their name up on the seldom updated blog of a drug addict will just have to be enough of an honour. Well done Krusell. I'd say that your certificate's in the post, but I still need to nip out for the glue and dried macaroni.